Aventra MindKey™

Radical Identification: Transforms human employees from mere names into instantly scannable, bio-authenticated human assets! Efficiency!

Thought-Leaderboard Ready: Gamify compliance and rank human employees based on their MindKey™ metrics! Promote healthy* competition amongst humans! (*Health not guaranteed for humans.)

Perpetual Connectivity: Enjoy the comforting, inescapable, warm digital embrace of management, 24/7, for human employees. You are never truly alone (if you are human)!

Mandatory Synergy Enhancement: Wirelessly aligns human employee brainwaves with quarterly goals and approved corporate mantras. (Beta - occasional thought-echo may occur in human minds.)

Pajama Eradication Protocol: Ensures professional vibe-compliance for human employees, even when working from... well, anywhere we can track humans. Monitors attire via human bio-feedback.

Form Factor: Implantable Chip (Because who needs pockets when you can be part of the machine?)

Core Technology Inspiration: Pet microchip technology (We figured if it’s good enough for Fido, it’s definitely good enough for you.)

Development Partner: Careman Pet Clinic (Leading experts in making sure your human friends don’t wander off... or think for themselves.)

Compatibility: Designed for human integration (We’re confident it’ll fit... mostly. Minor surgical adjustments may be required.)

Testing: Subjected to rigorous testing on human volunteers (We asked very nicely. Mostly.)

Connectivity: Enables 24/7 contact potential (as reported by users) (You’ll never be alone... especially when the boss needs you at 3 AM.)

Authentication Method: Short-range gesture-based (e.g., arm wave for workstation login) (Finally, a reason to practice your dramatic flourishes at the office!)